


Mediocrity Is Its Own Reward

by Kingsonne



Series: Loose Pages of Flourish and Blotts: One-shots and Prompt Responses [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor, One Shot, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 05:07:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29994330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kingsonne/pseuds/Kingsonne
Summary: Response to the following prompt: Three potential Dark Lord Slayers know that if Dumbledore pays enough attention to them, they'll be embroiled in a war. So, they hold a vicious competition between each other to see who can keep the Headmaster's attention off of them the longest, by being the absolute worst wizards possible. To outsiders, they appear to be the worst of the worst wizards and the best, most chivalrous of friends. In reality, they are above competency and there are daggers in their eyes.
Series: Loose Pages of Flourish and Blotts: One-shots and Prompt Responses [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2206326
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Mediocrity Is Its Own Reward

The two men sat comfortably in conjured chairs chatting quietly over drinks. To an outside observer they would seem to be the best of friends, rather that opponents locked in a rivalry of exceeding mediocrity. Congenial and friendly though that rivalry may have been, its importance was of life and death to its members.

Of course, an outside observer would be far more likely to be confused by the fact that one of the men was dead and the other mentally incapacitated.

"Ice cream? I still can't believe it. Selling ice cream as a muggleborn for all these years. Ingenious." Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class; Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League; and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, said.

"It was a good gig. And there's a lot more to ice cream than you know." replied Regulus Black, former Death Eater, dead man, and ice-cream entrepreneur.

"Over now I suppose. If you've figured it out Dumbledore won't be that far behind. How did you figure it out, from inside St. Mungo's no less?"

"Ah, Regulus, we all must have our secrets." Lockhart said tapping the side of his nose. "Hiding was never going to work long term, not even after faking your own death."

"Hey, there were a lot of inferi, and a poison, and I've got a witness. I went over and above just letting people assume Tom got to me." Regulus said.

Lockhart laughed at that. "As if a cave full of inferi would have ever taken you out. No the point stands that hiding never works."

"Which is why I've spent the last few years selling ice cream and you've spent them drooling on a hospital bed?

"Oh ho. Low blow my boy. It's true though. I did enjoy a number of years actually out living though. You should have been there for that werewolf fight. Absolutely exhilarating. Some heavy exaggeration on my end, some judicious editing on my publishers end, just enough hints that no man could have done it all. Presto, I've got a chance to live my life, adored by the public, while anyone with half a brain was absolutely certain I was a fraud."

He leaned back in his chair and swirled his drink in it's glass absently. "Albus caught on though. Backed me into a corner where I would have to either break persona, or accept the Hogwarts position, and then that damned Basilisk. I can't believe he let it go on so long hoping I would break. Almost did a couple of times too. Thank God for Potter and Weasley though. Gave me just the excuse I needed."

Regulus leaned forward not bothering to hide his interest. "Oh yes, I do believe I heard some rumors about what happened."

"Official story, public knowledge, or actual account?"

"All three actually. Potter came by the shop quite a few times a couple summers ago and I got quite a bit of information out of him. Quite the hero already. I'd imagine he'd gladly be joining us for drinks if there was a kneazle's chance in a dragon reserve that he could convince anyone of his mediocrity."

Lockhart laughed again. "If you'd have Severus Snape as a work colleague you'd know for sure that there is at least one person convinced of his complete and total incompetence." He knocked back the rest of his drink and poured himself another. "Speaking of joining us for drinks, where is our esteemed third?"

The question was phrased casually but Regulus could tell that Gilderoy was burning to know where the last of them was hiding. "Haven't figured him out then? I wouldn't want to risk revealing anything. What if it got back to Dumbledore..."

"Oh bollocks, you know I'd never break the rules like that. Come off it and tell me where he's at."

"Conducting the Knight Bus as Stan Shunpike these days."

"Ingenious, I mean ice cream is one thing, but Stan Shunpike the Knight Bus Conductor? Who's ever given him a second thought? I take it back, hiding is perfectly valid, you just suck at it."

Regulus spluttered at that. "I'll have you know I went 15 years without incident as Fortescue, and I won't let you distract me anymore. How did you do it."

"I'm quite sure you wouldn't be asking how I managed to craft and cast a spell capable of temporarily, permanently, and conditionally wiping the entirety of my memory using a broken wand. Because that would be a trade secret." He looked down at his once again empty glass.

"In fact. I think we're done for tonight. Hospital food might not be the best, but it beats being caught up in a war. Say hello to 'Stan' for me."

Regulus watched as the shrewd intelligence of Gilderoy Lockhart, Monster Hunter Extraordinaire faded away. Leaving behind a blank stare and an idiotic grin.

"Hello, would you like to look at my fan mail with me?"


End file.
